I know that I've been talking about Insomnia a lot lately, but when happens, it affects almost everything. I guess when I slept through the alarm and my GI appointment on Thursday, it was the final straw.
Last night I was in bed by 11 PM, which is way better than 2 or 3 AM, after staying up all day, instead of going back to sleep. I woke up at 2 am, used the bathroom and went back to sleep. Roo woke me up a little after 7 AM and I had to drag myself out of bed. All morning long I had to deny myself the luxury of sitting too long because I would start to nod off. It literally feels like I've been sleep deprived and I need to make up lost hours of sleep, even though I've had plenty.
I did have a small breakthrough last night though. I realized why it's so hard for me to sleep at night, yet so easy for me to rest during the day--I'm worried about Roo. This dawned on me as I had a slight panic attack getting ready for bed. I was pretty close to deciding between giving up or taking anxiety meds, when I decided to use a favorite old movie as a distraction.. That's right, I cuddled up on a makeshift bed on the couch, and drifted off to the movie "Ever After" the same way some kids need a favorite toy or blanket before they can fall asleep. *Sheesh!* I really am a mess. Anywho, back to Roo.. I have trouble sleeping at night because I'm worried about my daughter having a medical emergency or needing me through the night and no one knows to help her or does help her, because Terry and I are asleep.. And Terry needs to sleep because he goes to work everyday, therefore, leaving me unable to rest peacefully until I reach the point of exhaustion.. (<~ All of this was going through my head while I was having an anxiety attack.) I sleep for a few hours, and then I'm able to get up and get her to the bus stop/school, and go back to sleep, and sleep soundly, until 1 or 2 PM... because I know she's in good hands, and someone is watching out for her.. therefore taking the burden off of me.. That is a major compliment to Roo's school, btw.. It shows how much I trust them. Another thing I realized is that I claim to be a Christian, yet don't have faith enough in God to take care of Roo through the night, and wake us up if she needs us. How hypocritical of me. :-( This realization has also encouraged me to do better, & remember to put my daughter in His hands each night.
This anxiety has caused me to totally screw up my sleep pattern. And I don't want to embarrass myself by being wrong, but I think that Dr. Google said that things will get better in a few days if there isn't a real underlying problem. Here's a link for those thoughts... Circadian Rhythm Sleep Disorders. Or maybe the anxiety IS the underlying problem.. *sigh* Anyway, I'm still going to try to "reset" my sleep pattern over the next couple of weeks before making a doctor's appointment. At least that way I'll have tried. Maybe I don't have insomnia at all? Because usually I can sleep eventually, just not as well as when somebody else is watching Roo. Sad to say, but this horrible struggle may have started in my head.
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