Finding Joy In The Middle Of Chaos

One of the most irritating things a person could say to a parent of a special needs child is, "How do you do it?" Nobody chooses for their child to have challenges; it's just something that life hands to you. I have had this said to me SO often...

          (and if you're reading this & you were one of those people, please know that I don't hold it against you and that I know you said it with the best intentions & from the bottom of your heart)

                                                            ...that it has become harder to smile, shrug, & say "I like to think that it's what any parent would do if they had a special needs child." Sometimes there's a snarky comment in the back of my mind, like, "Zoloft & Jesus!" or "When things get rough, I just take a happy pill. Then I suddenly see unicorns pooping butterflies and belching rainbows. That helps a lot."

But really, I cling to the good moments, pray for a better tomorrow, and countdown till bedtime--literally. And yes, medication really does help you cope. Never be afraid to ask your doctor for something to help you deal with the stress of it all if you need it. It's been said that Autism Mom's Have Stress Similar To Combat Soldiers, but I think it applies to parents of children with many other disabilities, too. We face different challenges in some ways, but it all boils down to more stress, more dependence from your child longer, and probably less than ideal support.

Back to clinging to the good stuff.. These are a few of the memories I cling to when we're having a bad day..

Her piggy face that she loved to make when she was a baby.

The giggles and smiles when she splashes in the pool.





The good moments in the middle of the rough ones... like when she started being silly while recovering from the flu a couple of years ago.

                       

When I rode the tilt-a-whirl with her for the first time this summer. We were spinning so fast, and she looked at me with this huge grin on her face. She cheesy grinned me the whole ride 

and it made my heart melt.  

That's how I do it. I find my Joy in the Middle of the Chaos. It's not always easy, but she's worth it.

Fighting Insomnia: Battle On

I know that I've been talking about Insomnia a lot lately, but when happens, it affects almost everything. I guess when I slept through the alarm and my GI appointment on Thursday, it was the final straw.

Last night I was in bed by 11 PM, which is way better than 2 or 3 AM, after staying up all day, instead of going back to sleep.  I woke up at 2 am, used the bathroom and went back to sleep. Roo woke me up a little after 7 AM and I had to drag myself out of bed. All morning long I had to deny myself the luxury of sitting too long because I would start to nod off. It literally feels like I've been sleep deprived and I need to make up lost hours of sleep, even though I've had plenty.

I did have a small breakthrough last night though. I realized why it's so hard for me to sleep at night, yet so easy for me to rest during the day--I'm worried about Roo. This dawned on me as I had a slight panic attack getting ready for bed. I was pretty close to deciding between giving up or taking anxiety meds, when I decided to use a favorite old movie as a distraction.. That's right, I cuddled up on a makeshift bed on the couch, and drifted off to the movie "Ever After" the same way some kids need a favorite toy or blanket before they can fall asleep. *Sheesh!* I really am a mess. Anywho, back to Roo.. I have trouble sleeping at night because I'm worried about my daughter having a medical emergency or needing me through the night and no one knows to help her or does help her, because Terry and I are asleep.. And Terry needs to sleep because he goes to work everyday, therefore, leaving me unable to rest peacefully until I reach the point of exhaustion.. (<~ All of this was going through my head while I was having an anxiety attack.) I sleep for a few hours, and then I'm able to get up and get her to the bus stop/school, and go back to sleep, and sleep soundly, until 1 or 2 PM... because I know she's in good hands, and someone is watching out for her.. therefore taking the burden off of me.. That is a major compliment to Roo's school, btw.. It shows how much I trust them. Another thing I realized is that I claim to be a Christian, yet don't have faith enough in God to take care of Roo through the night, and wake us up if she needs us. How hypocritical of me. :-(  This realization has also encouraged me to do better, & remember to put my daughter in His hands each night.

This anxiety has caused me to totally screw up my sleep pattern. And I don't want to embarrass myself by being wrong, but I think that Dr. Google said that things will get better in a few days if there isn't a real underlying problem. Here's a link for those thoughts... Circadian Rhythm Sleep Disorders. Or maybe the anxiety IS the underlying problem.. *sigh* Anyway, I'm still going to try to "reset" my sleep pattern over the next couple of weeks before making a doctor's appointment. At least that way I'll have tried. Maybe I don't have insomnia at all? Because usually I can sleep eventually, just not as well as when somebody else is watching Roo. Sad to say, but this horrible struggle may have started in my head.

Doing The Insomnia Cha-Cha

Today I slept all day.. it was both a blessing and a curse. I have so many  things that I need to get done, and I slept all day. The insomnia has gotten to the point that it's really, really having a negative impact on my life. I'm missing appointments. Falling asleep when I should be awake. Things have gotten really bad in the housework department. And I'm lost to on how to fix it. (Not the housework, the insomnia.)

It all starts with a night or two of my body literally not letting me fall sleep. I lay there for hours, and eventually I get up.. maybe have a snack and watch some TV. Eventually I fall asleep watching a movie. One time I didn't though. In fact, I was still awake when my husband got up for work the next morning. It thoroughly ticked me off, because I wanted to sleep, but I couldn't. 

Normally, I will sleep for a few hours, get my lovely daughter to the school bus and go back to sleep. When I wake up I feel guilty, and make myself promise that I will do better... But that night, I'm not tired because I was able to rest during the day. And the cycle continues, until I go through a bit of exhaustion that makes me sleep.. a lot... too much.. Like all morning, maybe till 1 or 2, and then early to bed that night.. maybe 8:30 - 9 PM..  But then I'm back on a semi-normal schedule for a couple of weeks. 

I blame it mostly on hormones, & there's not a lot I can do about that since birth control makes my depression worse. As one doctor put it, "You have to choose your poison." Right now, I'd rather not have to deal with any of this. I despise this chaos.  

My Name Is Cassie, And I Take An Anti-Depressant

Stress can bring out the best & worst in people. As a parent of a special needs child, I have a lot of stress. Everyday stress that all parents have, added stress of avoiding meltdowns, dealing with meltdowns, appointments with specialists, financial stress (will insurance follow through?), and just plain old freakin stress that everybody has. If you're like me, and depression runs in your family on one or more sides, chances are good you're going to need an antidepressant. All that stress is going to eventually kill whatever was repressing that characteristic trait you were born with, and you're going to have to do something about it.

There are all kinds of stereotypes that comes a long with taking medication for depression or anxiety. Your crazy, your unstable, your weak--None of which are true. You know what I think? If you have the courage to tell your doctor that things aren't okay, that you need help, you're brave. And once you start to feel better, you walk around like billboard for happy pills. Suddenly, you just want to spread the love, and people are going to react to you. Don't let them bring you down. Do not be ashamed for taking something that helps you become healthy & stay healthy. Be a part of the movement that breaks those stigmas.

I take an an antidepressant and anxiety medication daily. I am not ashamed. I went for years thinking that something was wrong with me, because I was struggling to live happily everyday. There were lots of tears, lots of anger, moodiness, and it had a negative impact on my health, my marriage, and who knows what else. People would often call me strong and put me on a podium, but in reality, any emotional strength I mustered to get me through a hospital stay and/or home treatment, would crumble into a bout of depression after the trouble passed. How did this effect my health? I am 29 years old & I've had shingles 4 times. Last year a colonoscopy (yes, I had one at 28) revealed 7 polyps, 2 of which were precancerous. I have esophagitis and acid reflux that I have to take  medication for daily. For some reason, nobody has ever given me a hard time about that. I have had only a handful of major panic attacks, but I was having small ones before I even realized what they were. A couple of years ago, a massive one landed myself in the ER, and it started the ball rolling to go back on medication.

I'm not saying that taking anxiety or antidepressant medications sooner would have prevented any of these, but I probably wouldn't have had shingles once. Who knows? And it's not a cure all. I still have bad days, but I have more good days. Sometimes I even get stuck in a rut, but it doesn't last. Please, if you're struggling, don't be afraid to talk to your doctor and get some help. Sometimes just talking to another person about what's bothering you can make a big difference.