A Rambley Little Post About My Day, Insomnia, My Emotions, and This Blog

I'm reevaluating my commitment. A 365 blog challenge, though sounding exciting, is actually sort of .. hard. Because, as much as I don't truly care what other people think (or at least that's the stand I'm taking), putting all this out there on the internet.. is borderline over sharing... Obviously I've already missed several days, but I am trying to keep up with it... and to say I'm putting it all out there and not, would make me a fraud... & that ain't right!

Today has been an emotional roller coaster.

It started out happy because we made it to the bus. Yay! Any day that we make it to the bus on time, is almost always a happy beginning.

Then I was excited, because I realized I had a whole extra hour to chill before I needed to get ready and head up the road to my own GI appointment. The whole lacking sleep thing was kicking in, so I decided to rest. Rest I did. Right through the alarm, and several phone calls, and I finally woke up 4 hours or so later to my cell blasting out it's ringtone over and over again.

Then I was shocked because *GASP!* my appointment was 45 minutes ago.

Then I was ashamed because I realized I overslept and caused, first my sister, who works at my doctor's office, and then my mother, who was called by my sister, to worry--and I mean really worry. They thought something happened to me on my way up there.

Then I was annoyed, because my mom started to lecture, literally, lecture me for sleeping through my appointment. I kept trying to tell her I needed to go because my sister was trying to beep in, and she wouldn't listen, and when she finally did, my stupid smartphone thought I hit reject instead of accept.. and so I ended up rejecting my sister's call.

Then I was sad, because I really upset my sister. If you're reading this (which I doubt she does), I'm really, really sorry. I prefer not to make myself look like a loser by not showing up to an appointment, and I'm sorry that I made you worry.

Then I took my meds, ate breakfast, did some domestic duties, and gradually my sadness started to fade.

I noticed when I was eating that there were a few flurries outside, but when I went to get Roo from the bus stop, I found a couple inches of snow on the ground. I didn't have time to dust off my car, or put on gloves and a heavy coat, so I just shut my car door hard (made the snow fall off) and turned on the wipers. There was still limited visibility, but nothing to worry about since I was only going maybe half a mile up a gravel lane.  I still had time to turn the car around when I got to the stop, so I thought I would go through my neighbors drive. Unfortunaly, his drive exits on a slope... and I got stuck. I was so embarrassed. Luckily, my husband was coming down the road on his way home from work. He helped me get unstuck, teased me a little bit, then told me to go home and that he would get Roo. Wasn't that sweet? Part of me wonders if he thought I'd get stuck again, but some things are better left unasked. ;)

I've avoided my mother's phone calls all evening. I'm hoping that giving her a little time to cool off will make things go smoother when we talk tomorrow. The next couple of weeks are going to be focusing on retraining my sleep patterns. It's bittersweet. I like sleep, but I want to sleep at night, and I guess if things don't get better I have yet another problem to talk to my doctor about. I really don't want to take anymore medication though.

My Name Is Cassie, And I Take An Anti-Depressant

Stress can bring out the best & worst in people. As a parent of a special needs child, I have a lot of stress. Everyday stress that all parents have, added stress of avoiding meltdowns, dealing with meltdowns, appointments with specialists, financial stress (will insurance follow through?), and just plain old freakin stress that everybody has. If you're like me, and depression runs in your family on one or more sides, chances are good you're going to need an antidepressant. All that stress is going to eventually kill whatever was repressing that characteristic trait you were born with, and you're going to have to do something about it.

There are all kinds of stereotypes that comes a long with taking medication for depression or anxiety. Your crazy, your unstable, your weak--None of which are true. You know what I think? If you have the courage to tell your doctor that things aren't okay, that you need help, you're brave. And once you start to feel better, you walk around like billboard for happy pills. Suddenly, you just want to spread the love, and people are going to react to you. Don't let them bring you down. Do not be ashamed for taking something that helps you become healthy & stay healthy. Be a part of the movement that breaks those stigmas.

I take an an antidepressant and anxiety medication daily. I am not ashamed. I went for years thinking that something was wrong with me, because I was struggling to live happily everyday. There were lots of tears, lots of anger, moodiness, and it had a negative impact on my health, my marriage, and who knows what else. People would often call me strong and put me on a podium, but in reality, any emotional strength I mustered to get me through a hospital stay and/or home treatment, would crumble into a bout of depression after the trouble passed. How did this effect my health? I am 29 years old & I've had shingles 4 times. Last year a colonoscopy (yes, I had one at 28) revealed 7 polyps, 2 of which were precancerous. I have esophagitis and acid reflux that I have to take  medication for daily. For some reason, nobody has ever given me a hard time about that. I have had only a handful of major panic attacks, but I was having small ones before I even realized what they were. A couple of years ago, a massive one landed myself in the ER, and it started the ball rolling to go back on medication.

I'm not saying that taking anxiety or antidepressant medications sooner would have prevented any of these, but I probably wouldn't have had shingles once. Who knows? And it's not a cure all. I still have bad days, but I have more good days. Sometimes I even get stuck in a rut, but it doesn't last. Please, if you're struggling, don't be afraid to talk to your doctor and get some help. Sometimes just talking to another person about what's bothering you can make a big difference.