A Rambley Little Post About My Day, Insomnia, My Emotions, and This Blog

I'm reevaluating my commitment. A 365 blog challenge, though sounding exciting, is actually sort of .. hard. Because, as much as I don't truly care what other people think (or at least that's the stand I'm taking), putting all this out there on the internet.. is borderline over sharing... Obviously I've already missed several days, but I am trying to keep up with it... and to say I'm putting it all out there and not, would make me a fraud... & that ain't right!

Today has been an emotional roller coaster.

It started out happy because we made it to the bus. Yay! Any day that we make it to the bus on time, is almost always a happy beginning.

Then I was excited, because I realized I had a whole extra hour to chill before I needed to get ready and head up the road to my own GI appointment. The whole lacking sleep thing was kicking in, so I decided to rest. Rest I did. Right through the alarm, and several phone calls, and I finally woke up 4 hours or so later to my cell blasting out it's ringtone over and over again.

Then I was shocked because *GASP!* my appointment was 45 minutes ago.

Then I was ashamed because I realized I overslept and caused, first my sister, who works at my doctor's office, and then my mother, who was called by my sister, to worry--and I mean really worry. They thought something happened to me on my way up there.

Then I was annoyed, because my mom started to lecture, literally, lecture me for sleeping through my appointment. I kept trying to tell her I needed to go because my sister was trying to beep in, and she wouldn't listen, and when she finally did, my stupid smartphone thought I hit reject instead of accept.. and so I ended up rejecting my sister's call.

Then I was sad, because I really upset my sister. If you're reading this (which I doubt she does), I'm really, really sorry. I prefer not to make myself look like a loser by not showing up to an appointment, and I'm sorry that I made you worry.

Then I took my meds, ate breakfast, did some domestic duties, and gradually my sadness started to fade.

I noticed when I was eating that there were a few flurries outside, but when I went to get Roo from the bus stop, I found a couple inches of snow on the ground. I didn't have time to dust off my car, or put on gloves and a heavy coat, so I just shut my car door hard (made the snow fall off) and turned on the wipers. There was still limited visibility, but nothing to worry about since I was only going maybe half a mile up a gravel lane.  I still had time to turn the car around when I got to the stop, so I thought I would go through my neighbors drive. Unfortunaly, his drive exits on a slope... and I got stuck. I was so embarrassed. Luckily, my husband was coming down the road on his way home from work. He helped me get unstuck, teased me a little bit, then told me to go home and that he would get Roo. Wasn't that sweet? Part of me wonders if he thought I'd get stuck again, but some things are better left unasked. ;)

I've avoided my mother's phone calls all evening. I'm hoping that giving her a little time to cool off will make things go smoother when we talk tomorrow. The next couple of weeks are going to be focusing on retraining my sleep patterns. It's bittersweet. I like sleep, but I want to sleep at night, and I guess if things don't get better I have yet another problem to talk to my doctor about. I really don't want to take anymore medication though.

And.... It Snowed.

Have you ever wondered what it's like to be in a power outage with a special needs child? Grab a cup of coffee, settle into your chair, and listen while I tell you about my day.

The weather forecasters were pretty off on their timing of the winter storm starting, and I was hopeful that they'd be off on accumulations and temperature drops too. The day started off great. I worked on sanding down my future crafty spot off and on--a beautiful butcher block island that kept oozing a mysterious sticky resin left behind by previous owners & ultimately making it a junk spot. I did dishes, folded clothes & put them away, and as time went on I was feeling increasingly confident that we would keep our power on. So confident that I washed our winter coats. Roo spilled milk all over hers yesterday & I normally wash them all when I have to wash one.

Things were going well. Everybody was doing what they wanted. I proclaimed myself a maid for the day and informed my husband that he was now a manny (male nanny). The sink had just been loaded with more dishes--I'm not lucky enough to have a dishwasher (hired or electric), the dryer was ending  it's last cycle, and the coats were in the washer  waiting for the dryer.  Roo was occupied watching a favorite cartoon and Terry was outside shoveling snow.

The power went out.

...

The power came on.

.....

The power went out again, and this time it stayed off. And stayed off. And stayed off.

Before I go any farther, I need to tell you that my husband is an amazing man. He's the kind of man who pulls over to help people when they have a flat, not worrying that it could all just be a setup. He's the one who takes Roo back to the OR when she needs a procedure, because mommy just can't bear to watch her child be put to sleep, even if it is just anesthesia. Today was not his best day. I often think that he would sleep better/handle certain stresses better if he would take an antidepressant. In fact, I think that if he went on medication, I would be able to take less. ;) regardless of the way this day played out, this is not his typical character.

Roo was stunned, in awe that no matter how many times she flipped the switch, the lights would not come back on. I took out an old bill to report our outage and she brought me my debit card from the desk. The look on her face was priceless, "Pay it, Mommy, quick!" :)) It was awesome.

My husband came inside from shoveling and it wasn't long before he started panicking. He wanted to go somewhere. He was afraid that the power would be out for days and we would be stuck here in sub-zero weather. I had prepared for this storm. I had a plan. I was not abandoning 2 guinea pigs & a cat, packing up every single stinking thing that my daughter would need somewhere else, packing up everything that he & I would need when the risk of traveling the roads was greater than the risk of staying home. We had groceries, we have a gas stove that doesn't require electricity to stay lit, and with this being a small home, that would probably keep us warm enough. Even the paranoid part of me was okay because being home meant keeping the house warmer than it would be if we left, and the pipes would have less chance of freezing annnnddd I know that there is an increased risk of CO2 poisoning when you heat your home with the oven, but we also have working, battery operated fire & CO2 alarms. In my mind, we were good.

Then my brother-in-law called and said that we could all camp out at his house if we wanted to and that he had a spare room. From a social perspective, this was ideal, but even in fair weather, it takes about 20 minutes to get to his house and the heavy wet snow, combined with the horrible risk of being stranded, didn't make it worth it... to me. Terry was mad. He was freaking out, and mad. I said, give it a couple of more hours. I'm at least fixing supper and then we'll decide what to do.

Roo is ultra-sensitive to emotions. I don't quite understand how she can sometimes perceive a group of happy laughing people as funny one time, and terrifying the next, but we generally just take it as it comes. It sounds stupid, but when I sense her stressing I try to put out a calm, tranquil signal. I must be halfway okay at this because I've been called "the baby whisperer" on more than one occasion over the years. Anyway, Roo is crying because daddy is mad and mommy is irritated and -- ya know what, he was a jerk and I stood my ground. You don't need to know the details, the words that were said.. I'm not airing out the laundry. My point is, our kids play off our emotions, and if we can't hold it together, how can we expect them to?

There were lots of crying spells. Once when I told Roo she would have to take a break from the Ipad because we needed to make sure we didn't run out of battery life. Another time was when I broke down sobbing over the phone with my mother, because I felt like the weight of world was on my shoulders. Another offer was made to "rescue us" --a very generous, selfless, four wheel drive offer-- and I turned it down because we didn't need rescued. Then a state of emergency was declared.. that was the whole purpose of my mom calling and I answered the phone ready to tell someone off because no one was listening to me that I didn't want to go anywhere! "Is it a blizzard?!" I asked my mother. "No," she said. "Then why is everyone freaking out?!!" God bless her, she made me feel so much better. Finally somebody told me that I was doing everything right, that it made more sense and was a good idea to stay put.

A little while later, maybe an hour, the lights came back on. I'm praying and hoping that they continue to stay on, and glad that the snow bit of this weather is over. Temperatures are dropping very low over the next couple of days, making me look forward to that promised high of 28 towards the end of this week.

We Have To Go To The Store, Now

That was one of the first things my husband said to me when he got home from work today. Roo and I were standing there ("the welcome party" *snicker*), and there were no smooches, hugs or anything for us. It was all, "Get ready, I want to go before the crowds hit, blah, blah, blah.."

Okay, so I want to know what it looked like when the crowds hit, because Wal-Mart and Krogers were packed... Petsmart, not so much.. but WalMart and Krogers?? Oh my word! You'd have thought there was some sort of major Black Friday event going on, and it was only 4:00! I know snow is coming, but it's not supposed to hit until tomorrow night.

And people are rude! What has happened to us as a society that we think it's okay to give people the eye or storm off, or nearly run someone over with your Wally-Kart on purpose?!? If you're in that big of a hurry or someone is going too slow say, "Excuse Me".. You'd be amazed at how fast the waters will part. Sometimes.  That's what I did. LOUDLY.

Poor Roo! She'd had enough of crowds and stores and was in that unreachable place, sobbing her eyes out, and all I wanted to do was leave. But there were so many people checking out, even at customer service, it was like a gridlock. We weaved our way through check outs & came to the main way. It was jam packed with lines to customer service. There I was, standing there, just me with a child in my cart, who was crying loudly, obviously not trying to get in line, and only ONE person towards the end of a line looked at me and tried to move to let me through. Unfortunately, even after that one, young person tried to move, our eyes met and we both knew that even if she did get out of line, there wasn't enough room for me to get by.. So what did I do? I started playing my own round of Wally-Kart. "EXCUSE ME. EXCUSE ME. COMING THROUGH. YEAH, WE JUST WANT TO GET THROUGH HERE. THANKS SO MUCH." And Bam! It's amazing how fast people suddenly notice you when your about to run them over, teeheehee..

Roo finished her meltdown in the car while daddy checked out inside. Eventually, she calmed down enough to ask for some tissues (in her own way), and I put in a favorite CD of hers. That really mellowed her out. I don't know if she heard me or not, but all I could tell her when we got in the car, mid-meltdown, was that I understood, and sometimes crowded stores upset me too. I'd like to think that she did, but probably not. On our way home, we treated her to McDonald's fries for supper--her favorite--because she was such a trooper.. And, lets face it, after such a stressful shopping spree, nobody was up to cooking. That was our big adventure of the day, shopping.. stocking up.. and surviving. ;)

Let it snow, Let it snow, Let it snow.......

Until Tuesday. Tuesday has to be nice so the little redhead can go back to school. :))  Last night it snowed about 5 inches, and we're expecting quite a bit more on Sunday with some daggum cold temperatures.  One of my nephews decided to stay the night with us at my mom and dad's last night. It was kind of a last minute decision, and I wasn't sure how it was going to go. Roo is used to such strict bedtime schedule, that she's rarely up past 8, and I think he thought they were going to stay up late chasing each other & watching movies. I was so afraid he was going to be disappointed.

I really had to watch how I worded things with Roo, and head off any innocent errors that could have led to a meltdown. We didn't "go to bed," we "snuggled and read books" because "going to bed" is something that's done at home. It's a process that could in no way be something done at grandma's house, and Thank God the "snuggling and reading books" thing worked. And even though the tank running on empty is what put us out there, it was pretty awesome in the long run. After all the kiddos were finally in bed, I chatted with my momma for a long time and enjoyed the adult company. When we got up the next morning, Roo kept on spontaneously hugging me. Out of no where. Like, "Thanks, Mom, this is so much fun!" and that was really great, too. The kids played and had fun most of the morning and the roads were clear enough by 1 pm to take him home and run some errands.

My first thought when we ran out of propane on the first day of the new year was "Oh great, this is a awesome indicator of how this year is going to go," but later I realized that maybe it was more of a indicator of how good things are becoming and that, yes, there will be bumps along the way, but everything is going to be okay. Think about it.. We had space heaters, we had some place to go and a vehicle to get us there, and we were able to afford much more gas this time around and still have money left for food and other things afterwords. We are truly, so very, very blessed. <3